By Angi Bair
It’s all about the money…or is it?
I used to always have money and it just flowed to me, and I didn’t think about it. I would just go to work and I would receive money. I would think about things I wanted and then I would eventually get them. I never budgeted. I never paid attention to how much money was coming or going. I just didn’t. I just went to work, and I got the things I needed and wanted.
Until one day I didn’t.
Until not paying attention didn’t work anymore. Until the money stopped flowing. Until I started panicking that I didn’t have enough money. Then I didn’t have enough money. Then I found myself in a pile of mess at the bottom of a big hole of debt, unhappiness, and extreme stress. At first I blamed this on the economic downturn the entire nation felt, but was that the reason for MY struggle?
So I moved on and started to rebuild my life. I didn’t think about things I just went to work. The money flowed. Ideas came. I prospered again. Until I didn’t. I started to see myself in a never ending hole that I couldn’t climb out of.
I was seeking for answers. I had never before in my life set specific financial goals or budgeted. I just worked and got the things I wanted. So I started thinking, if I want more money and more things maybe I need to write down specific money goals. So I spent almost an entire year writing the affirmation of ” I want to make $xxx,xxx this year.” I wrote this daily. But nothing really seemed better or felt better. At the end of the year, sure enough I made almost that exact amount of money I had written. It worked. The daily affirmation worked. Although I made the amount of money I listed, it didn’t solve my problems. It wasn’t just flowing anymore. Things weren’t just coming in to my life. I was still in a mess and in the hole, but maybe it wasn’t quite so deep. So the pattern continued. Never enough, never happy, never satisfied. So I decided to try again and write another very specific goal about the money I wanted to receive for the year. I wanted even more money than before. It felt weird, it felt uncomfortable, but I pushed myself forward. “I want to make $xxx,xxx this year.” Over and over every day. But at the end of the year I realized all I had focused on was making a specific dollar amount of money, and not actually working or focusing on my life and goals. I had no passion and didn’t even believe it was possible to make the amount of money I was writing about. So at the end of the year, I had failed miserably. I didn’t even come close to the money goal, and I didn’t even make as much as I did the first year I had actually accomplished my money goal.
With renewed determination I figured I must be doing something wrong. I studied more. I learned more. Then I decided I need to figure out specifically how the use the money I wanted to receive for the year, and I needed to believe it was possible to receive that much money. So I did it again. “I want to make $xxx,xxx this year.” I had it all budgeted and mapped out to how I would use the money and pay this bill and that bill and buy this thing and that thing. It was all structured out on paper. It was going to work. Or was it? Part of me was just testing this. Did this really work? Well it didn’t.
Then I learned the most valuable lesson. Money isn’t really what I want. Money can help provide what I want. I want a trip with my family. I want a house. I want food. I want a car. I don’t want money. Money is just a method of exchange for the things I really want. The AHA moment.
I would like to say I now have it all figured out, but I am in the messy middle. I have so many clues and I have learned so many things and I feel like I am on the brink of complete financial freedom. This is my ultimate goal. But what is complete financial freedom? What does that look like? How does that feel? What work and effort do I have to do to achieve this? What if I don’t want to work? How will money come to me? Is it work or service to others? Do I love what I do? What do I want to do?
I have seen many successes and some failures. I am learning, and I am growing and I feel like I am just at the edge of figuring it all out. Things go well, and then they don’t. I am learning to find the good in every situation. I am learning to look for the lesson. I am learning to feel passion for what I want. I am learning not to give up on a dream. I am learning that I am in the gold mine and just about the strike it rich. So I will continue on and hold fast to my dreams until I break through the last few inches of the wall before my fortune is revealed.
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