By Colleen Corbett
Twenty three years ago when we built our current home I was excited to be creating something better than we had ever lived in. I was certain we were doing something good. I felt confident we could build the house we wanted. I imagined the house. I had good feelings about the house. I believed I deserved the house and was worthy of receiving it, mostly. At the same time I worried if we would really be able to pay the mortgage. I told myself that a lot of my ideas for the house were too expensive. I was willing to choose cheaper materials and eliminate some things because they were too expensive.
When we moved into our mostly finished home I loved it, but it was never actually what I had truly dreamed and it was never completely finished. I always felt like I quit creating. After all these years the yard isn’t quite finished, the deck off our bedroom hasn’t materialized and that spot on the hill for a patio is still a spot of dirt. We are now doing a lot of updating in order to sell it, something we have put off for a number of years because of indecision about what to do next.
With effort and consistent work, both physical and mental my husband and I have made a series of decisions and now we are in the process of building a new home. We did a lot of dreaming and visualizing what our new home would look like and how we would use it. We talked about what our life in our new home would be like and what we wanted to be doing once we were living in our new home. We determined what we needed to do to get started and went to work. We hired a contractor, an architect and engineer. We bought and sold property. And finally broke ground. Then after we had poured the foundation, the building came to a screeching halt.
A wrench was thrown into the machinery that had been humming along. We kept making baby steps, hoping to get things moving once again. It felt like we were trudging through deep sticky muck. Then COVID struck and my husband wasn’t allowed to work for 6 weeks. Now we were stuck in the muck. Fear and worry bubbled up. More bad news came regarding the wrench in the machinery. Doubt reared its ugly head and we wondered if our house would ever exist. We worried about money and became focused on “what’s the next step?” to the point we forgot to keep the dream alive.
I would try to visualize our new house and I couldn’t do it. My mind questioned the meaning of all the problems we were experiencing. I questioned my motives, my worthiness, my abilities, my intuition and inspiration. I believed I wasn’t weathering the test of my faith and therefore my dream was going to die. I worried we were repeating old patterns of belief and behavior.
Interestingly at the same time all of this has been happening there is another part of me that is still hopeful. The part of me that keeps saying, “You know you can do this. You know God didn’t bring you this far to fail. You know everything will work out. Trust the process, trust God, trust yourself.” I’ve never completely let go of the dream. I haven’t completely banished the thoughts and ideas that got us where we are today. Today I said to my husband, “Let’s talk about our dream again, let’s refocus on what we know is already ours. Let’s experience gratitude right now for the abundance God has given us. Let’s focus on giving more than getting.”
Today we are abundant, grateful, and filled with love for the beautiful world we live in. We are grateful for where we are now, where we’ve been and where we are going. We are creating the life we desire and allowing God to do with us what he will. We know our house is on it’s way. I can feel the peace and joy wash over me as I walk in the front door and say, “I’m home!”
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