By Kathryn Barney
“His goal attracts him, because he doesn’t let anything enter his soul which might oppose the goal. . .He has that mysterious quality of those people to whom success comes all by itself” (from Siddhartha by Hermann Hessee).
When my first marriage ended, I was absolutely devastated and forlorn. I hadn’t learned these principles yet, and I struggled to manage my emotions and to transition to my new life as a single mom of four little children.
It was a tumultuous time.
Although it’s not what a professional therapist would recommend, I felt anxious to find a new someone to spend my life with. I didn’t take adequate time to heal. I had a lot of heartache during those years of single motherhood. Maybe it wouldn’t have been different if I had waited to enter the dating world. Maybe dating too early contributed to it. I don’t know. All I know is that I wanted to find the husband I had always dreamed of.
I had visualized the perfect husband – for me – for as long as I could remember. I had so wanted it to be my first husband. I spent many hours visualizing a loving, healthy, and supportive relationship while I was married to him. It wasn’t to be.
My visualizations became singularly focused and intense while I was single. I will admit, I visualized it in a state of desperation, not in a state of calmness. But the intensity never wavered. As in the quote above, I never “let anything enter (my) soul which might oppose the goal.” I wouldn’t even entertain the thought that I might live the remainder of my life as a single mother.
It seemed like an eternity, but it was only 2 ½ years after my divorce that I was remarried to Kent, the very person I had visualized for so many years. During those years of visualizing him, I prayed intensely that he would be prepared for me (whoever he may be) and I may be prepared for him. I was not healed when I met him, when I dated him, or when I married him. But being with him has been the perfect catalyst for my healing.
Here’s an interesting twist to the story: Kent and I grew up next door to each other. He was several years older than me (which doesn’t matter now, but does matter as kids), but I knew his family well and our parents are good friends. At the time we were dating and for the first several years of our marriage, our parents were still next-door neighbors. He was always there. My relationship with him was coming into form for many, many years. He also spent time visualizing his perfect marriage. As he and I walked on broken paths, visualizing the relationship we wanted, it was coming into form.
And it couldn’t be any better.
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insecurities.
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