My husband and I have struggled through some very (very) difficult things over the years, but there has always been an underlying expectation that we’d figure it out and eventually come through. However, I can think of a few times when it did cross my mind that maybe we wouldn’t make it.
Sometimes it felt like we were truly at the end of the line and I couldn’t imagine how our marriage could possibly survive, but one thing I never did was entertain taking steps toward dissolution. Assuming I might have cloudy thinking, I had no intentions of making any permanent decisions until I had a chance to see things more clearly.
By the law of rhythm I knew that a bad period would always be followed by a good one… even if it wouldn’t happen for years. So sometimes we just put up with the problems until they faded on their own, or until we had changed and were no longer affected by the problem in the same way as in the beginning, or until the one of us recognized what we were doing wrong and worked to improve ourselves on that point.
My husband was a lot more temperate and quick to change than I was, which, to his credit was “patience in action”, but which sometimes came across to me as “disengaged or apathetic”.
Still, on the other side of our valleys has always been a sweet and glorious reunion of the heart, a VICTORY, and an even deeper commitment for the long haul. For better or for worse, as they say… and I’ve noticed that it always gets better after a period of worse. Always. Eventually.
I have twenty-four years of evidence of this truth, so each time we choose “together,” the stronger our confidence is that we’ll be able to get through whatever may come next.
However, I’ve seen other marriages where things got bad, but there was never any resolution. The issues aren’t addressed. The uncomfortable conversations are avoided. A blowup may have been diverted, but the problem still festers. There is no cycle of bad to good to bad to good again. It’s just flat bad.
I would much rather have a big blowup every now and then (like we have) then to evolve into a pattern of walking on eggshells forever. Oftentimes, by the time we feel like we’ve finally mustered the courage to have a hard conversation, the relationship has already taken one too many damaging blows.
Every time we choose to move forward though, every time we choose to do what we can and flow through the ups and down, we are different and better as individuals, and as a couple. It’s a sanctifying process, and really, that is exactly what marriage IS FOR.
Anyone who thinks marriage is supposed to be easy and always blissful doesn’t understand the exalting nature of and joy that come from choosing to put covenants with God and spouse above all else, even in the times of greatest darkness. There may be, and most usually there are, times of darkness, sometimes great darkness we all must pass through. But like all times and seasons, even when it doesn’t always seem that they will — THEY WILL PASS.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of weathering a storm, not fixing the boat. I highly recommend that you watch the movie ‘War Room.’ Instead of fighting the battle with the other person, strategize in the War Room and let God overcome for you.
As I’ve practiced this principle, I’ve seen MIRACLES. Chronic relationship issues of 20 years healed in a day. Hearts softened overnight. The Lord’s hand in the details. Bringing unexpected and amazing shifts, I believe, as a reward for enduring patiently – enduring well; as well as I possibly can… and watching His grace make sufficient my faith.
3 Ne 17:8 “I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.” The healing, the resolution, the shift, it’s all a gift. We don’t do it ourselves, but we do what we can to qualify for it.
The covenants are there to hold us together THROUGH the dark times. Else what is a covenant for?
Our sufficient faith, His sufficient Grace. Whatever “sufficient” means to Him.
2 Cor 12:9-10 “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.”
Yes, there are situations that certainly warrant divorce, but I believe they are more rare than what has become acceptable in our society.
But I also know the power of prayer. God is not dead. He cares about our families, and has provided a way to escape the grips of the father of all lies and the author of all misery.
I guess to sum up, I’d say that a struggling couple can work through anything if both spouses have a genuine desire to overcome and find resolution.
If all a couple has left between them is a few good memories, they can reflect upon those good memories, and hang onto the hope of eventual victor(ies) — waiting upon a miracle, because many times, that’s exactly what is called for.
Yes, they may be faced with something too big to solve on their own. But with God, all things are possible.
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