By Travis Giauque
I awoke, not completely sure why I heard crying in a nearby room. What time was it? It was the early hours of the morning, close to 2 am, and where was my wife? I pulled myself from our warm bed, walked towards the sound of sadness and there saw my sweetheart kneeling on the carpet, sobbing uncontrollably. My heart instantly went out to her in her current situation, and as I approached her to offer any comfort she immediately felt embarrassed and sorrow that she could not contain her sadness and had woken me up from my slumber.
Upon waking later that morning, we discussed between each other what the cause of her distress earlier that day had been. It was then that she explained to me that she had been feeling distant from me for some time. She didn’t know why and was continuously pleading to God for the insight she desired to know what she needed to change in herself in order to feel close to me again. It was this morning that she received insight to the cause. During her prayer that morning she simply had the thought come to her that stated, “It’s not you”. With much more discussion, that continued for days after this event. I eventually confessed to the dearest woman in my life that I was addicted to pornography. She was crushed, devastated, and felt very alone – all of which I knew was due to my own actions. Seeing her this way tore my heart apart, knowing full well that my actions were the cause of her heartache.
My addiction had been ongoing for years, since I was a young teen-ager. It varied in its intensity and severity, but nonetheless, it remained. I believed the thoughts placed in my mind and lied to myself on multiple occasions that “I was stronger than this”, that “I’m not an addict”, and “I can quit anytime I want”. Little did I realize then, that I was feeding an addiction and enabling it to entangle me in thick, heavy chains that grew in strength with every occurrence.
The interesting thought patterns that came to me upon divulging my addiction to my wife were quite revealing, once I understood them. The thoughts of participating in addiction were ones of “you’re fine”, “nobody is getting hurt”, “you can quit whenever you want”. In complete contrast, when I began to work on this addiction I had thoughts similar to “You’ve tried this in the past, you’re not strong enough to beat this”, or “You have gone too far, there isn’t any point in trying to overcome this”, or “Just one more time, and then you’ll be done”. I anguished inside my heart during this battle of feelings for the conquest of my soul. It was difficult, it was painful, it was sorrowful to confront and beat this addiction but it was all worth it!!
I came to recognize and know that the lies told to me during my addiction, were just as untruthful during my recovery. They were simply lies, lies, and lies. Upon realizing this, each time I heard one of those lies, I pleaded to my creator for the strength to see the truth behind the lie. It helped me to recognize times of uncertainty and gain the strength to overcome that moment. This was one avenue that assisted in my recovery from my addiction.
Those of you who may suffer such as I did, I understand your pain, I can relate with your sorrow, and I can assure you that you will beat this. It will not be easy, but neither is the pain that you may have caused yourself and your loved ones. Every person on this planet who is addicted to pornography has the ability to come off conqueror and confront this destructive addiction. I know, I’ve been there and I promise you that the reward of forgiveness, peace, and joy at the end of your struggle far surpasses any negative feelings of self-deception and corruption you currently experience.
Please, don’t lose hope, don’t give in, and reach out for those who can help you. I have dedicated myself to help those in need and hope that I may be of some assistance to you if you feel so inclined. I understand that there are multiple avenues of help to combat such an addiction as this, and I plead with you and for your loved ones to seek their help, if you don’t seek mine. Remember, you are stronger than this, regardless of how deep you may be involved, don’t give into the lies and recognize them for what they are. You are beautiful and capable, God does not create junk – you are His supreme creation. That is truth.